I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
