i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Sober January is a disaster.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
