i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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