Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
