I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
