It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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