she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
