I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
