I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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