I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
