GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
