I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
