he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
