His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
