How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
