I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
