life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
They took my balls.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
