So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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