Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
