Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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