Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
