so explain again why im purple
no
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
