my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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