I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
