Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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