and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
