I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
