Just fell off a train. Bad.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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