It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
