He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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