I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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