you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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