she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
