i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
