I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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