I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
