If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
