I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
