I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
