I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
