I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
