I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
