so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
