So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
