Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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