i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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