My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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