Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
