i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
