it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
