I love having hate sex.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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