Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
